Darth Hideous's Idea
by Solo By Choice
Summary: He had an idea, an evil idea. Kareoke! With everyone from Darth Vader to Wedge.
1. Anakin's middle name

A/N: Hah! I love this story! Hope you will too. (Also, I don't know when this is supposed to or not supposed to be happening, so it's AU.) It would help to have seen _Hidalgo_ to understand part of this. Plus: I _know_ the name is Darth Sidious, but….

Disclaimer: Not my characters, but I sure wish they were! So much fun, it would be.

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...

Darth Hideous had an idea. A wonderful, awful, legal idea. He was going to have a karaoke contest!

He quickly summoned a red guard to inform Darth Vader of his decision. The other Sith Lord could bring along whatever prisoners he happened to have.

Arriving in the large ballroom Han Solo wondered why the heck they had one on the Imperial Cruiser anyway. Certainly, Darth Vader didn't dance! He tried very hard not to imagine what that would be like.

"Welcome to my karaoke contest," Darth Hideous wheezed causing everyone to wonder if he could even sing anyway. "Let the games begin!" Nothing happened.

Darth Vader surveyed the group of people he'd dragged along. There was the princess, the Corellian (what is that anyway?) pilot, the Wookiee, the bounty hunter, and the blond kid dressed in black. Also there were, Darth Vader noticed in surprise, several people he had certainly not invited. These were the apparitions of two Jedi: Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi. How did they get here!

"You!" the black robed Sith Lord cried, pointing to Lando Calrissian who jumped.

"Sing!" he commanded the shocked man.

"I can't sing!" cried Lando ignoring the fact that Han was sticking his tongue out at him.

"You will."

"This was never part of our agreement! Nor was giving Han to this bounty hunter!"

"You're WHAT!"

"Umm, never mind."

"I am ordering you to sing. Pray I don't order you to dance."

Lando immediately hurried to the microphone and began to sing _Amazing Grace_. He had a good voice, but he would've sounded better had he not been so nervous about Darth Vader's threat.

When Lando was done, Darth Hideous proposed that Lando choose the next victim. He turned to Han. "I'm sorry. They arrived before you did," he said sadly.

"Yeah, I'm sorry too," said Han though he was thinking more of how he could possibly not embarrass himself in front of Leia (though he'd never admit this in a thousand years). Han stood at the microphone for about two minutes (which felt like five light years) until he finally said, "Aww, I can't sing with everybody looking at me."

Chewie gave an amused, gurgling bark.

"Laugh it up fuzz ball! You didn't see us in the south passage. She... hold on that doesn't make any sense..."

Of course everyone was staring at him. So he decided to get it over with and sang _All Star_ really quickly then socked Lando a good one in the jaw.

The decrepit, wrinkly excuse for an emperor reminded Han that he had to pick the next singer. Chewie barked and raised his hand. "Well, I didn't want to speak for you, buddy," Han told him. "It's gunna be tough."

Chewbacca the awesome Wookiee took the microphone and began to belt out a song full of barking and howling. He sounded like a dog on the full moon. Han started laughing.

Everyone stared at him. Again.

"You will tell us what is so funny," Darth Hideous informed him. He didn't use any Jedi mind tricks, even if it sounds like he did.

"Oh, you don't want to know," said Han, suddenly going all serious.

"Excuse me, sir, but I do think you'd better. Surrender is perfectly acceptable in some circumstances. Perhaps the Empire will be gracious enough to--"

Leia switched him off.

She then sighed and because she was so sick of standing there doing nothing, she volunteered to sing.

Leia took the microphone from Chewie. She cleared her throat then sang:

_There is something that I see_

_In the way you look at me:_

_There's a smile there through tears in your eyes._

_In an unexpected way_

_On this unexpected day_

_Could it be this is where I belong?_

_It is you I have loved all along!_

And so on until she had finished _It Is You (I Have Loved)_. Everyone actually clapped and said she was brilliant. Actually it was Obi-Wan who said that and everyone stared at him because he was sounding strangely British (or Scottish, or U.K.-ish).

"Hey," says Mr. Cooke's voice from the background, "Is there a 'Harrison Ford' in this movie?" Everyone chose to ignore him.

Now Luke stepped up to the microphone.

"Hmm…" hmmm-ed Darth Vader, "we shall now see whether this kid of mine has any of my musical talent!"

"Hey! I'm your kid, too!" cried Leia indignantly, then fell to wondering why she wanted to parade this fact.

"Wait—you can sing?" asked Han, amazed. "How can you sing if you can barely talk or breathe?"

Darth Vader advanced angrily on the brown-haired pilot. It seemed to everyone like Han's life was about to come to a premature end, when the Sith Lord stopped and said, "Well, as you're all about to die anyway, I guess it can't hurt."

_Uh oh…!_ Everyone thought as they realized Darth Vader was going for the microphone. Pressing a button on his chest plate, Darth Vader caused music to suddenly fill the room. He began to sing along with it an entirely un-Sith Lordy song: _Best Years of Our Lives_.

The song ended. Everyone stood there shocked beyond belief, not making a sound. In the silence, Luke, who was kind of slow on the uptake--being blond, said, "Waaaaaait. We're going to die?"

Growling, Darth Vader stepped toward his son who obviously inherited none of his height or freaky-ness.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Luke screamed a very un-Jedi-like scream and ran away.

"Hey!" cried Qui-Gon, sounding kind of hoarse because he hadn't used his vocal cords in a while. "Pick on somebody your own size!"

This sounded very cool, but Qui-Gon suddenly realized the disadvantages of being the only other big, tall person in the room.

Darth Vader smiled evilly under his helmet. Or he might have been yawning for all we know. Either way he advanced upon Qui-Gon's spirit with a determined step.

"Oooooh great…" groaned Qui-Gon, looking cowed.

"Hey!" said Obi-Wan. "Pick on somebody your own age!" Darth Vader looked at his former master with an eyebrow raised, silently cursing the fact that his helmet hid all facial expressions. Qui-Gon took the chance to run away.

"Darth Vader! You're scaring all the guests away!" Darth Hideous accused, looking strangely angry for a prune.

"Sorry, my master."

"Good. Goooooooooood, you have done---wait! You haven't done well. Let's try again: Bad. Baaaaaaaaaad, you have done bad… that sounds kind of dumb…oh well, pick the next singer."

"Of course, my master… you! You're the closest to my age so I pick on you!"

The ginger haired Jedi master jumped almost a foot in the air. "M-me?" Obi-Wan squeaked. "But I'm sixteen years older than—"

"Yes, you, Obi-Wan Alexander Hezekiah Alec Guinness Ewan McGregor Kenobi!" Darth Vader thundered.

"How do you know my full name?" Obi-Wan asked, going pink as everyone laughed. "Unless…MOM! DID YOU TELL HIM?"

There was a pause while this echoed around the now silent room.

"Oh, wait." Obi-Wan remembered that he didn't even know who his mother was.

Suddenly it was Obi-Wan's turn to have an evil idea. "If you make me sing," he said slowly, "not only will your eardrums regret it, but I will tell everyone _your_ middle name."

Everyone watched, fascinated, as this sunk in.

"Blackmail!" yelled Darth Vader angrily. "This is BLACKMAIL!" Then he suddenly dropped to his knees before Obi-Wan and begged, "Please, please don't tell anyone. Please!"

The Jedi's blue-green eyes lit up at the sight of Darth Vader cringing on the floor at his mercy. "Know what?" he said. "In revenge for you killing me, I think I'll tell them anyway."

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Darth Vader, covering his ears to block out the sound of Obi-Wan's voice.

"His full name is ANAKIN SALVATOR SKYWALKER!" Obi-Wan proclaimed.

"Wait," said Luke. He had come back from his hiding spot and was having another blond moment. "Doesn't that mean his initials spell—"

But before he could finish stating the obvious, Darth Vader, in renewed vigor, had Obi-Wan on the floor and was sitting on him to prevent escape.

"Anakin!" Obi-Wan gasped. "I can't…breathe…" Darth Vader moved so he was only sitting on Obi-Wan's knees. "Now I can't feel my feet," the Jedi Knight griped.

"Too bad."

"Aw cummon, my circulation's bad already…"

"You're not _that_ old. Besides, you went back to being 38 after you died."

"But…."

"No buts. Now, have you all ever seen _Hidalgo_?"

"Yes!" was the collective answer. No one actually had, but even Luke knew they had to play into Darth Vader's will.

"Good. Now does everyone remember the part were the part Indian-cowboy guy is trapped by that one girl's dad?"

No one present knew what he was talking about, but they didn't show it.

"Goooooood. My, I'm starting to sound like my master! Anyway does everyone remember what the girl's dad was going to have his servant do to the cowboy guy…with a knife? Well, lightsabers work better…"

Chewie, who _had_ seen the movie (because he felt a certain affinity to furry animals-horses included) suddenly realized what was going on and told Han.

"Man, I am soooooo glad that's not me!" said the mercenary pilot.

Chewie hit him over the end for not being understanding. Han slumped over onto the floor, knocked out. Ooooooooooops barked Chewie. He then took matters into his own hands (paws?).

Chewbacca the nine-foot-tall Wookiee pushed Darth Vader off of Obi-Wan and threw the darkly robed Sith Lord out of the door where he landed with a clatter in the hall.

"Thanks man!" gasped Obi-Wan. "I owe you, but…just what is it you saved me from?"

Chewie barked a thoroughly detailed explanation. "Oh…my…" groaned Obi-Wan after C-3PO translated the Wookiee's speech. The ginger haired Jedi was then rendered unconscious without any help from Chewie.

"Han?" asked Leia, shaking him, 'Are you Okay?"

No answer.

"He's dead!" cried C-3PO, jumping to the worst conclusion at once.

Han groaned and sat up, rubbing his head. "What hit me?"

"Aaaaaaaaah!" cried Luke. "The dead has come to life! We're doomed! Zombies!" He ran away, screaming.

"Ok, seriously, I am wondering who the heck you guys' mother is because Darth Vader doesn't run around screaming," said Han, expressing the thoughts of everyone present.

"Mesa here!" cried Jar Jar Binks, appearing out of thin air.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" screamed Darth Hideous, and, showing extreme agility for one so, well, hideous, he ran out of the room, tripped over Darth Vader in the hall, and yelled even louder.

"Oh, my God," groaned Han, a hand over this heart. "Cardiac arrest. Cardiac arrest."

"Woah, woah, woah!" said Qui-Gon, shaking his head. "Don't worry; Darth Hideous is most definitely _not_ Luke and Leia's mom. He's a guy, okay?"

"Breath. Breathing is the key," Gimli told Han, who was laughing so hard he sounded a bit like Darth Vader.

"The ability to speak does not make you intelligent," Qui-Gon Jinn informed the hairy dwarf.

"Do you wish to settle this with my axe!" cried Gimli, leaping up.

Qui-Gon ignited his green lightsaber.

"You would die before the stroke fell," Legolas said, pointing his bow & arrow at the long haired Jedi.

Leia looked from the red haired dwarf to the blond elf. "Okay, you guys seriously need to get out of here."

"But I wasn't done with the human's breathing exercises!" Gimli complained.

Everyone realized how extremely weird this sounded.

"Eeeeeeew…" groaned Luke, who had recovered from his shock about Han being a 'Zombie,' crinkling up his nose, "You make it sound like he's pregnant!"

Gimli and Legolas disappeared as Obi-Wan, who was conscious again, said, "Okaaaay. We need a new topic of conversation."

"Yeah," everyone agreed.

A/N: How'd you like it? I might add another chapter…if you tell me how much you liked it! (And if you hated it, I'll add extra chapters just to bug you.) Less bad humor in the next chapters, I promise!

Also:

To **Meg:** I am thanking you profusely for actually reviewing my story (_Dumb Story_)! Glad you liked it.

Everyone—read the stories of **Ember Skywalker**, **Wild Dog 14**,and **Solo By Choice** (me, obviously)!

So far: **Ember Skywalker** has two Harry Potter stories and one Inu Yasha story. **Wild Dog 14** has one story, an HP/SW crossover. **Solo By Choice** (me) has this story plus two Lord of the Rings stories.


	2. Tobias the Oijah board

A/N: Ok, so here's the second chapter. Love it; you are cool. Hate it; well, you are entitled to your own (erroneous) opinions…

Disclaimer: I disclaim this. No one is mine.  If they were, I would keep Han, Obi-Wan, and Wedge to myself…oh hang it all, I'd keep 'em _all_ to myself.

**Padfoot Reincarnated:** Thanks so much for reviewing! big grin

**Wilddog14:** Yay! You are awesome!

**Tavi-Rin:** I enjoy blond Luke too, and Gimli came from…my MIND!

Please review, people! And this second chapter took awhile because I needed my friend to show me how to put chapters up.

"Okay," said Han. "We are going to pretend none of that happened."

"Luke was right, though…" giggled Leia. Han almost literally snarled at her.

Suddenly, the door opened and in walked Darth Vader who had apparently recovered from his sojourn on the hall floor, dragging behind him Wedge Antilles whom he deposited on the floor as soon as they were in the room. Wedge got up, brushing dust off the seat of his orange flight suit and glaring at Darth Vader.

Lando (who hadn't done anything for ages because he'd been sleeping) raised an eyebrow at the young man. "Do you _always_ wear those things?" he asked, gesturing toward Wedge's suit and helmet.

"No!" said Wedge defensively.

"Bet he does!" laughed Luke, who, through all his pretence to like the other pilot, actually couldn't stand him.

"Enough!" boomed Darth Vader. "You will stop squabbling like five year olds and come back to the present."

"Yes," said Qui-Gon's spirit, who was keeping a good distance between himself and Darth Vader. "Focus on the present, my young Padawan."

"Am," said Obi-Wan.

"Wait, isn't he, um, not young?" asked Han.

"_Figure_ of _speech_, cough moron!" said Lando.

"HEY! No one lives who calls me a moron!" yelled Han, jumping up and pointing his blaster gun at his dark friend.

"Moron, moron, moooooorrrrrooonnnn!" giggled Luke, running around and sticking his tongue out at the Corellian pilot.

"Hey, I'm from Corellia, too!" said Wedge who was somehow able to read the filler text.

"Really? Cool!" cried Han, forgetting about the whole 'moron' thing. "I haven't been back in _ages_; how's things there?"

"Neither have I, so I'm not sure."

"Oh! I have thought of the strangest thing!" said Qui-Gon suddenly. Obi-Wan rolled his blue-green eyes. _Anything but another prophecy or pathetic life form,_ he prayed silently.

Everyone stared at the tall Jedi.

Qui-Gon assumed a 'professorly' look and stated, "Wedge here is like Han because they are from Corellia, he is like Leia because they both …um…have dark hair, and he's like Luke because…um…." The profound Jedi Knight was stumped.

Everyone thought this was incredibly lame.

"I'll tell you how!" cried Wedge. "Darth Vader killed my father!" He pointed angrily at the dark robed Sith Lord who was attempting to sneak out unnoticed.

"Oh…Darthy," sighed Darth Hideous. "How many young men _did_ you leave fatherless, exactly?"

"Great," groaned Darth Vader. "How old are you, Antilles?"

"Eighteen."

"Ahhhhhh, nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" screamed Darth Vader, banging his helmet against the wall in frustration.

Leia suddenly had some insight. "Oh!" she exclaimed, her brown eyes widening. "Don't worry, Darth Vader, Wedge is most certainly _not_ related to us. You strangled his father when you captured my ship!"

"Yeah!" cried Wedge, who looked both sad and angry. "He was Captain Antilles of the Tantive IV, Bail Organa's star cruiser!"

Darth Vader took some deep, calming breaths. "_Hee_ hoo _hee_ hoo_ hee_ hoo…"

"Breath. Breathing is the—" Gimli and Legolas were back.

"NO!" cried Leia, whose sanity didn't need testing again. She pushed the dwarf, the elf and the Sith Lord into the hall.

"Phew!" the princess of the nonexistent Alderaan sighed in relief as she leaned against the door.

"Well," Darth Hideous said to himself, "it seems like my little karaoke contest is going nowhere. Perhaps we should play…TRUTH OR DARE!" The last part was screeched to the high heavens.

Everyone stood there staring.

Wedge, who hadn't yet seen Darth Hideous make an idiot of himself, said, "No one told me Andy Serkis was in this thing."

Moments later, Wedge was lying on the floor with a broken nose, while the-prune-that-ruled-the-empire wiped blood off his fist.

"You really should try to be more careful!" exclaimed a girl with bushy brown hair. "Let me fix it for you … _Episky_!"

Everyone gaped as Wedge's nose went back to looking normal.

"Woah!" cried Hermione. "I'm so sorry! I totally thought you were my friend Harry… you look like him, you know … um … right, I'm leaving…." She disappeared.

"Right. ON WITH TRUTH OR DARE!" the highly deranged emperor shouted.

After catching his breath, he continued: "I will begin by asking someone truth or dare. They _must_ answer or dire consequences await."

Darth Hideous chose Qui-Gon. Qui-Gon chose 'truth' because he didn't want to know what evil dare the walking prune might have in store.

"Are you, or are you not, wearing purple smiley boxers?"

Qui-Gon rolled his eyes. "No, of _course_ I am not!"

He then deliberated on who to choose. He finally picked Obi-Wan, who picked 'truth.'

"Um…..let's see…ah…did you cry a lot when I died?"

"What kind of a question is that!" the ginger-haired Jedi Knight wanted to know.

"I was just curious."

"Okay, fine, yes." Obi-Wan crossed his arms and glared at the wall. Leia did what we all want to do and patted him on the head. However, Obi-Wan doesn't like people touching his hair, so he made Leia go next. She picked 'truth.'

"Uh…did you kiss Luke?"

"Does _everyone_ know about that?" Leia cried and slapped Han, which was answer enough.

"Really, Han," chuckled Qui-Gon. "I don't know _how_ you do it!"

Han said some extremely rude words in Huttese, Rodian, and finally Wookiee.

You know, you sound retarded when you speak Wookiee. Chewie barked.

"Well, at least I can pronounce your name!"

"Okay, okay, moving on…" said Leia as Chewie and Han snarled at each other. "I pick, um, Wedge."

Wedge picked 'dare' because he was tired of this stupid game.

"Okay!" said Leia happily. "Take off your helmet."

"_Aw man…_" Wedge groaned, but he pulled the helmet off anyway, revealing a lot of jet black hair. He had no desire to discover what the 'dire consequences' were.

Everyone laughed because they thought Wedge looked really funny without his helmet on. Leia hoped that no one would notice that she thought he was sort of cute, even if he did have dried blood on his face.

Wedge picked Han because he was laughing the hardest. Han picked 'truth.'

"Um…………… Wedge took forever to think up a good question…Okay, who was your last girlfriend, before Leia, and why'd you, um, break up?"

Han sighed. "Bria Tharen," he said hollowly, "and she died."

Silence.

Everyone collectively agreed this game wasn't fun anymore.

"I've got an idea!" cried Luke, jumping up and down hyperactively. Han made a mental note to check what was in the kid's ration bars, anyway. "Let's play with an Ouija board!"

"What is this, some teen-age girl's sleepover?" Lando wanted to know.

"I'm the only teen-age girl here," Leia reminded him. "And I think I'm the sanest."

And people usually don't ask about old girlfriends at teen-age girl's sleepovers, Chewie barked.

"Okay," said Qui-Gon, attempting to keep some sanity in the proceedings, "We don't have an Ouija board, Luke."

"Me has one, kind sirs!" cried a little creature, pulling a board out from behind the pillow case he was wearing and disappearing again.

Everyone stood staring at the board.

"I think, for once, the young Jedi has a good idea. Since this is my party, I say I ask the first question," Darth Hideous proposed.

The collective members of the room all sat down on the floor around the board.

Darth Hideous showed them how to place their hands on the little thing that "moves" around the board.

"Ewwwww, gross!" groaned Obi-Wan. "I don't wanna touch you!" This was directed toward the emperor.

Everyone was surprised at how childish the 38 year old Jedi could sound when he wanted to.

They all chose to ignore him.

"Oh, great Ouija board," the emperor intoned, "Who is the best looking guy here?" He expected it to answer him, of course.

The Ouija board answered, "ME."

"Besides you."

"WEDGE ANTILLES."

"You cheated!" everyone yelled at Wedge because they had all wanted to be proclaimed best looking guy (except Leia, obviously).Wedge went and hid in the corner to prevent them hurting him. Everyone else went back to the game.

It was Han's turn to question the board. "Am I gonna die tomorrow?" he asked.

"YEAH, TOTALLY. AND I'M A TALKING PIECE OF PLASTIC; WAIT, I AM A TALKING PIECE OF PLASTIC! HMMMMMMM."

"So, basically you have no idea."

"I SAID YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DIE, OKAY?"

"Fine by me!"

"Han!" cried Leia. "Stop talking to the game board! It is an inanimate object and can't hear you!"

"I RESENT THAT."

"Are you alive? Who are you?" Obi-Wan queried.

"You're not supposed to ask that!" everyone yelled at him, but the board was already answering.

"I AM TOBIAS. I AM BEING MISUSED BY THE EVIL EMPEROR INTO ANSWERING YOUR QUESTIONS."

Darth Hideous suddenly looked nervous. "Ha, ha, no need to pay attention to him, I mean, it! Ha, ha…"

Qui-Gon booted him into the hall to join Darth Vader, Gimli, and Legolas who were already out there.

"YOU CAN ONLY HELP ME BY COMPLETING THE FIVE TASKS OF OUIJA," the board/Tobias announced.

Everyone looked at each other.

"I'd vote no," said Lando. "Sounds too much like an actual plot line to me!"

"DARN. BUT NOW YOU ARE ALL UNDER THE CURSE OF MY RATH. THREE ANNOYING PEOPLE WILL NOW JOIN YOU. GOODBYE."

"I thought there couldn't be more annoying people under one roof, already," Leia commented. "I wonder…."

Suddenly three men materialized in the middle of the group. One was tall and stiff, one was a little chubby and very dour, and the third was tall and mischievous.

"Just when I thought things couldn't get worse," sighed the dour one.

"I do believe that for once you are right," the stiff one commented.

"Oh powers that be, the end of the universe has clearly come!" cried the mischievous one.

"Oh, no!" groaned Wedge from the corner. "That board couldn't have picked three more annoying people to send us!"

"Who are they?" Everyone wanted to know.

"Tycho Celchu, Derek 'Hobbie' Klivian, and Wes Janson!"

A/N: As you can tell, _X-wing: Starfighters of Adumar_ is affecting me (although I obviously didn't take it all as cannon—I prefer to name Captain Antilles of the Tantive IV as Wedge's father). "But it wasn't home. Home was a family-owned filling station destroyed half his life ago with his parents still on board, and nothing had ever come along to replace it." Isn't that sad?

Here's another quote, this time from _The Paradise Snare_ (Han Solo trilogy #1).

"In his hands was Bria's flimsy, and he was trying to read it by the flickering light of a brothel's sign. Han blinked. _Must be raining_…His face was wet…

"He looked up at the sky, but of course, there was no sky, only a rooftop, high above. He held out a hand, palm up. No rain." I think that's really sad too. Okay, enough sadness.

**MAY THE FORKS BE WITH YOU 'TIL WE MEAT AGAIN! **(hahaha)


	3. fuhdoruh

A/N: Sorry, it's been forever, but school started (curses) and I've had no time to write. Well, on wit da story! Wow, its February now; I must have written that ages ago!

I've read all the X-wing books and am currently rereading #8 _Isard's Revenge_! Gotta love the fighter jockeys!

Disclaimer: Ce n'est pas le mien. Je le veux, mais non. This isn't mine. I want it, but no.

**Thank you all who reviewed; kudos (or whatever) to you all!**

"And remember what a wise man once told me: You can't look dignified when you're having fun!"—Myn Donos

"If could meet that man, I'd shoot him." –-Wes Janson

---from _Solo Command_ (read it; it's hilarious)

Wes's face lit up with a grin as he spied Wedge in the corner. "Yub yub, commander!" he exclaimed, using his trademark (and completely non-understandable) greeting.

"Okay," said Leia. "Get out. Now. All three of you." She pointed towards the door with her eyes narrowed, looking suddenly so like her father that Tycho, Hobbie, and Wes left quickly.

Wes was last out the door. The Tanaabian couldn't resist giving Leia an annoying wink before scooting out of her sight and away from her wrath.

Han slammed the door with a snarl. No one was allowed to wink at his girlfriend!

"Now what?" questioned Qui-Gon.

"Can't we keep playing Ouija?" asked Luke. "It's so fun!"

"The board disappeared," Qui-Gon stated and indeed it had.

There was a big pause during which everyone envied the board for the ability to disappear at will.

Luke began to hop up and down. "Let's watch a movie! Let's watch a movie! Let's watch a movie! Let's watch a movie! Let's watch a—"

"Shut UP!" yelled Leia. "Stupid. Little. Brother…."

Luke did as commanded once he saw the death glare Leia was giving him.

"Actually," said Obi-Wan, "he's a full two minutes older than you."

"Did I ask you?" Leia questioned, now spitting him with The Glare.

"Um, no," Obi-Wan replied in a very small voice.

Everyone sat quietly for a few minutes, listening to the muffled bangs and yells coming from the hallway. Evidentially, Wes, Hobbie, and Tycho had met the Sith Lords.

"I still kinda wanna watch a movie," Luke said very quietly.

Everyone gave him evil Sith-y glares, and he went to hide in the corner with Wedge.

"I'm bored," Qui-Gon announced to the ceiling, which didn't care.

In an effort to alleviate Qui-Gon's boredom, his guardian angel sent…..

A hat.

A tattered, old, brown hat with a darker brown band around it.

It sat in the middle of the floor of the ballroom.

Everyone stared at it. After the Ouija board, no one trusted inanimate objects anymore.

"It's…a hat." Han acted like Legolas in stating the painfully obvious.

"Fuh-dor-a!" Larry put in before being sucked back into the vortex from whence he came.

"Was that a cucumber?" Lando asked tentatively, afraid he might have finally cracked and gone completely insane.

Since everyone else was fearing the same thing, he was generally ignored.

"What's a fedora?" Luke, still in the corner, craved enlightenment.

A random Webster's dictionary appeared. Leia looked up "fedora" and read:

"**fedora** /fi-'dor-upsidedown e, -'dor-/ _n_ Fedora (1882), drama by V. Sardow (1895) : a low soft felt hat with the crown creased lengthwise."

The random Webster's dictionary, like Larry, was sucked into the vortex from whence it came.

The fedora, however, was not.

Obi-Wan reached for the hat, intending to put it on because it looked lonely.

"Ew!" exclaimed Leia. "It could have lice in it!"

Obi-Wan's hand retreated.

Han grabbed the hat and examined the inside. No suspicious little pieces of white that could either be dandruff or lice depending upon whether they move or not were to be found.

He put on the hat.

He did that weird sliding-hand-around-brim thing while putting it on that is impossible unless you've taken lessons but is very cool looking.

He grinned.

I'm bored. Chewie barked. His guardian angel proved much more creative that Qui-Gon's.

A random guy in a blue uniform appeared standing next to Wedge, who accidentally sneezed on the guy's perfectly polished boots, causing the guy to direct one perfectly polished boot at Wedge at an odd angle with an astounding trajectory, causing Wedge's nerves to pick up a rather painful sensation.

(pause for all English teachers to drop dead at what must have been the worst run on sentence in the history of run on sentences)

(end pause)

The guy had thin blond hair and kind of buggy pale blue eyes. He gave Han a feral smile.

"Geutentaug, Herr Jones. Ich habe Sie gefunden. Endlich. Sie und Ihr dummer Hut." (1)

"Yeah, well, Hutts are pretty dumb," Han conceded, confused because this seemed to be one language he couldn't understand.

The guy, who could understand and speak English fine but does stuff like this to annoy people, said, "Ihr mutter. Gutt, Sie dumcoff. STERBEN!" (2)

At this point the German guy rushed at Han and started chasing him around the room, waving a machine gun.

A duck flew overhead.

"Duck!" yelled Luke, amused.

Everyone did.

"Eleven o'clock!" cried Wedge.

"What's happening at 11:00?" Luke asked.

Wedge covered his face with his hands.

The German guy shot the duck and it disappeared.

Everyone was sad.

"Dumm komischs," the Nazi said before continuing chasing Han. (3)

"Ich zerreibe Ihre Kugeln heraus und lassen Sie Sie sie essen!" the creep promised. (4)

"Um, no thanks," said Han, who got the gist.

"NOT BORED ANYMORE!" Qui-Gon and Chewie (except in s) yelled.

The Nazi disappeared.

A man named after a boring state in the Midwest United States reclaimed the hat.

A few minutes passed.

"I'm bored," sighed Wedge, who had recovered from the perfectly-polished-boot-induced pain.

Leia ran over and began to bean him with the sledgehammer that had conveniently appeared in her hand, but the sledgehammer turned into a rubber chicken before it made contact with Wedge's head.

It would seem that Wedge's guardian angel was rather nice in doing this, but, alas, this is not so. Actually, Wedge's guardian angel has a demonic (how ironic) sense of humor.

Therefore the rubber chicken squawked, shocking both Wedge and Leia so much that her foot ended up kicking him where he had just recently recovered from the whole perfectly-polished-boot thing.

Poor Wedge.

"Want some ice?" Qui-Gon queried, holding out his half finished soda.

Wedge had some choice words for him.

Aware of the hideous alliteration, Qui-Gon decided not to query again.

"Simple life's my cup of tea. I don't need nobody but me. What I wouldn't give just to be left alone. I wanna be a millionaire some day, but know what it feels to give it away. Watch me march to the beat of my own drum," sang a random British chap who happened by.

Han was reading the dictionary again.

"**wedge**: 1: a piece of a substance (as wood or iron) that tapers to a thin edge and is used for splitting wood and rocks, raising heavy bodies, or for tightening by being driven into something…hmm boring…aha…an array of troops or tanks in the form of a wedge…."

"You can shut up now," Leia informed him.

"I second that motion," mumbled Obi-Wan, who was trying to sleep.

Oh, snap! barked Chewie.

"Do you even know what that means?" asked Lando.

No 

"Me neither," the be-caped man conceded.

Wes Janson was thrown into the room, wearing Darth Vader's armor, sans helmet.

No one even asked.

A/N: That's all fer now, y'all!

I got the German on Word Translation so it's probably all wrong… here is the English:

(1) Good day, Mister Jones. I have found you. Finally. You and your stupid hat.

(2) Your mother. God, you idiot. DIE!

(3)Stupid queers.

(4)I shall rip your balls out and make you eat them. (Sorry for that; I just couldn't resist.)

So, please review and MTFBWYA!


	4. Of capes and purple smoke

A/N: Back again!!!!!!!!!!!!! More randomness in store!

A note for the last chapter: the song sung by the random British chap is "Stay Home" by Self. Just if you're curious.

Disclaimer: Let me check…..nope still not mine. (sigh) Wedge looks very relieved. "Hey, why are you relieved?" "I'm a General; you can't menace me!" "Yeah, well, I'm a GRAND ADMIRAL. What do you have to say to that? Huh? Huh? Huh?" Wedge runs and hides. (hee hee)

Everyone stared at Wes in Darth Vader's clothes. He gulped and tried to hide in the corner with Luke and Wedge, but they were having none of that, and kicked him out.

"Get your own corner!" Luke told him.

Wes did so and sat sulking.

Wedge groaned softly.

Leia felt sorry and patted him on the head.

"I'm hungry!" Han complained as his stomach growled to emphasize the fact.

Chewie informed Han that his stomach had somehow managed to swear quite obscenely in Shriiwook.

"Come to think of it, I could really do with some curly fries…….." said Obi-Wan.

"Use the Force, semi-young one," instructed Qui-Gon. He held up his Cherry Pepsi. "How else do you think I got this?"

Obi-Wan stopped sulking once he got his curly fries, and everyone sat around being bored.

Then Luke made a fatal mistake.

"I'm bored….." he sighed.

Everyone looked around in apprehension.

Wes got up. He managed to trip over Vader's cloak in the process and got horribly tangled in it.

After righting himself, Wes grinned a grin that filled everyone present with intense apprehension.

Dooku found himself having a sudden, unexpected, overpowering, and entirely distressing _bad feeling_ about this…. (A/N: quote from the book _The Revenge of the Sith_)

Actually Dooku wasn't there, but he had a bad feeling all the same.

If one can have anything but bad feelings in hell.

"No! No! Please-what-have-I-done-to-deserve-this-torture?-Whatever-it-is-I'm-really-really-sorrrrrrryyyy!!" Wedge cried, further burying himself in his corner. This left the readers to wonder what horrors he read in that grin. This also left the others in the room to wonder who made that guy a General anyway? And who said his blood had enough ice-water to fill the reservoirs on Corescant? Actually Tycho said that but moving on…

Wes took a deep breath. He grinned again. He took another deep breath, then sang:

_I'm not wearing underwear today!_

_No, I'm not wearing underwear today!_

_Not that you probly care much about my underwear_

_Still none the less I've got to say:_

_That I'm not wearing underwear to-day!!!!_

There was a deep silence. A deep, deep silence. The silence was so deep it was deafening. The silence was so deep and deafening one almost expected a deep, soft voice to say, "42." That didn't happen. But one still almost expected it to.

Then Han ruined the moment by saying, "Uh, really?"

Lando jumped at Han for being stupid and also because the Baron Administrator of Cloud City reallllllly didn't want to think about what had just happened.

Suddenly he froze in midair.

A very short cartoon-y woman had appeared. With a large, weird smile she said, "No capes." She then grabbed Lando's said offensive object and disappeared.

Lando fell to the floor back where he stared.

"Who was THAT?!?!?!" asked Leia, looking very freaked out.

"Edna Moooooooooooooooooooooooooooooode," proclaimed a creepily deep woman's voice that seemed to emanate from the ceiling.

They all glared at it.

"Hey, that wasn't me!" cried the ceiling. "It was a computer animated character that escaped! That's not my fault!"

They threw eggs at it, and it shut up.

Lando sulked about his missing cape.

"I had a cape once," said Janson, from his corner. "It wasn't like this one."

He gave Vader's cape, which he was still randomly wearing, a disgusted look.

"NO fashion sense…Anyway, it was purple with pretty white stars. It was the coolest thing…until WEDGE SPACED IT!!!"

He spitted said pilot with a glare that could've fried the floor into Plutonium and made Doc Brown and the Libyan Nationalists very happy.

"Hey!" Wedge protested, pointing an accusing finger at the Lieutenant, "that was only because you were threatening to do obscene things with those toys of yours! I did it for leverage!"

"Well, check this out!" Wes pulled two little, orange clad action figures from the pockets of his pants that he wore under Darth Vader's (at least everyone assumed, hoped, and prayed that was where he got the action figures from) and pressed their faces together.

"Gross! Cut it out….." groaned Wedge, twitching.

"Let me guess," said Leia, bored by the antics of the very immature young men. "One little toy represents Wedge. The other is probably, knowing you, some guy."

"Yup!" said Wes proudly, grinning. "It's…….he checked the doll's-er-action figure's face….. Hobs!"

"Hobbie?" asked Wedge, grossed out.

"Klivan?" asked the ceiling, which then cowered as everyone in the known universe yelled "KLIVIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" at it.

"Derek?" asked Qui-Gon, who shouldn't have known him, but did because he uses his status as a Jedi spirit to stalk random people while invisible.

"The guy who looks like a young Bing Crosby?" asked my sister.

"Dietrich?" The bug-eyed Nazi was back.

A completely random Nazi with a goatee popped up. "Germany," he yelled with a horrible accent, "haz declared war on zee Jones boys! Not zees 'Dietrich'!!!!!"

Both evaporated, though not before Obi-Wan could dump a vat of orange soda on them to alleviate his boredom.

"I love the Force!" Obi-Wan giggled.

"Couldn't that be considered Dark Side? Using the Force for practical jokes?" asked Luke, coming out from under a table where he'd been hiding, munching on some mushrooms.

"Can I have some???" squealed Pippin.

No. Chewie chucked an apple at the hobbit's head, and he left, looking adorably confused.

"Ummmm…." Qui-Gon was attempting to find the answer to Luke's question in _Jedi Rules for Dummies_.

"I owned a _Dummies_ book once," said Han. "It was called _Nuclear Physics for Dummies_. Very useful book, that."

"There are some things you just shouldn't teach stupid people," said the ceiling, earning more glares.

"Ah!" Qui-Gon exclaimed, then read on, "It says it _is_ Dark Side to use the Force for practical jokes except…well, I'll be! Except to dump a vat of orange soda on Nazis to alleviate your boredom!"

"See?" Obi-Wan smirked. "I read the rules. And I also FOLLOW THEM!!" He projected this last bit out for the benefit of a certain Jedi-turned-Sith in the hallway.

"Oh, shut up," Vader replied.

Leia took the book and started flipping through it. "OH!" she said, "Oh that explains a lot! Though I can't say I'm exactly unhappy he broke that rule….."

The Jedi ghosts looked mortified. Luke wandered over. "What rule?"

Leia showed him.

Luke simply looked confused. "How would that affect us?"

Everyone groaned loudly.

"We are worms. WE ARE WORMS!" cried Hades' henchmen, groveling on the floor.

They disappeared in a puff of smoke, out of which stepped Hobbie and Marty McFly, coughing.

"Wow!" exclaimed Marty, looking around the room. "This is heavy!"

Everyone was so tired of random people who have nothing to do with _Star Wars_ appearing that they kicked poor Marty into the only empty corner.

Wes waved at Hobbie. "Look!" he said, hopping around, "I'm the Emperor's evil henchman! Woot!"

"Actually," said the pessimistic pilot, "that would be Darth Vader. You're just wearing his clothes."

The vortex was kind of bored so it spewed out the former Rogue, Plourr Ilo, just in time for her to hear this exchange. She punched Hobbie in the gut, and then morphated into a pirate.

"It's Jack Sparrow!" proclaimed the ceiling.

"CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow!!" yelled the governor's daughter, a blacksmith, and a bunch of scurvy sailors.

The ceiling felt unloved.

CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow pranced around in his own virtual reality, chanting, "I've got a jar of di-irt! I've got a jar of di-irt! And guess what's inside it!"

He then melted into a puddle of congealed, green goo.

A dog happened by and licked the goo up.

Inexplicably, the chapter ended.

A/N: Sorry it's been millennia since I last updated!!!! smacks self I'm also currently hating myself because the descriptions for Wes and Hobbie at the end of chapter 2 are insanely wrong! (Curse spell check…it thinks I spelled Hobbie wrong!!!!) Anyway, here's my excuse: when I wrote that chapter I'd only read _Starfighters of Adumar_. Back then, my mental picture of Hobs was as slightly chubby and dark haired; he looked like my current picture of Myn Donos, actually. He should be lean and ash-blond. For Wes I have no excuse. He is not tall. He is short. I am stupid (yet foxy…how does that work?). Goodbye!

MTFBWYA


	5. Baker and Neeson walk into a bar

A/N: And lo, unlooked for came a new chapter of this retarded story! Although, I'm sure everyone who was reading this has died or something in last two years… (ulp) That's a long time, isn't it?

Disclaimer: Star Wars belongs to George Lucas (lucky), Marty McFly belongs to whoever thought up Back to the Future, and Doctor Who belongs to the BBC (lucky #&#).

Chapter Five: Tom Baker and Liam Neeson walk into a bar…

Slowly, the mists cleared. As the group came to, they realized that they had spent the last two years in suspended animation in Darth Vader's ballroom.

"I'm hungry," Han announced to the world. The world didn't care, actually. Nor did anyone else in the room.

"Woah," said Marty, sounding awed. "That must've been some gooood weed…"

"Oh my God!" cried Luke.

"Don't worry!" Leia quickly intervened. "We weren't actually high for two years!"

"Not that," Luke clarified. "That!" He pointed. The others leaned forwards in curiosity and instantly regretted it.

The…thing…on the floor moved, slowly and vaguely, and began to rise like some horrid, primeval life form just emerging from the mud pit of its creation. It was wrinkly and grey.

"Whuuut…?" said the Emperor intelligently.

"Ew!" yelled Luke, "It spoooooookkkeee!" He, predictably, ran away.

"And they shall be among the people," muttered Doralee. "And they shall speak truths and whisper secrets."

"Yeah, like 'shut up'," Han proclaimed irritably because he was still hungry. He made to shove her into the hall, noticed that the door had disappeared, and shoved her instead into a convenient vortex just passing by.

Thing were quiet again. Not surprisingly, they did not remain like that for long.

"I'm _bored_," whined Luke who was done freaking out about the Emperor.

Everyone tensed, remembering past horrors invoked by that phrase.

This time nothing happened.

Well, sort of.

"Hey, we could play sabbacc," suggested Lando, with much eyebrow waggling.

"No," said pretty much everybody except Han.

"Excuse me!" said a loud voice before anyone could make another suggestion. "How about thanking the people who got you out of this mess?" The speaker was a buxom red head with a glare of the sharpest ego-piercing daggers.

"He-ey, gorgeous," began Lando, in full charm-mode.

The woman knocked him out before he could get any further. "I am Donna Noble," she told them, "and I was never here…" She evaporated, then condensed into a cloud out of which rained three men, the actual saviors of the _Star Wars_ characters.

Even though everyone should have been used to random weirdoes appearing, they boggled intelligently.

The one in the Navy blue blazer blinked. The one in the kilt put his hands on his belt and tried to look tough. And then one in the scarf grinned maniacally and asked, "Would you like a jelly baby?"

Han took one because they were food. Everyone else just looked confused.

"Doctor!" exclaimed General Veers. "You will not escape me now, and I shall sell my false copies of the Mona Lisa!"

"Walter Donovan!" exclaimed Han, "I knew you'd sell your mother for an Etruscan vase, but to sell your soul to the slime of humanity!!"

"This. Is. Retarded," noted Duggan and punched Veers in the face. He turned back into Julian Glover and they both disappeared.

"Anyway…" said Wedge, for the sake of participating in this story.

Well said barked Chewie. Obi-Wan applauded.

"OKAY!" cried Leia because she didn't like it when things got out of control. "There are too many people here to keep track of!"

So she used her mad Jedi skillz to banish them, but it only worked on the droids.

Meanwhile, a couple feet away, Hobbie had decided to be polite and discover who these their saviors were. The rest started to pay attention because this was important.

"I'm Harry Sullivan," said the guy in the blazer. All you need to know about Harry is that he's a Navy Doctor, he's very British, and he is sick of people confusing him with that obnoxious Potter brat already!

"Ahm Jamie McCrimmon," the Scot announced next.

"You're wearing a skirt," Luke snickered because he is a dork.

"It's no' a skirt, it's a kilt!" cried Jamie, incensed.

"Why are you wearing it, then?" asked Luke, taking the opportunity to flaunt his utter lack of knowledge about the universe.

Jamie decided to act out of character since everyone else was too. "Tae flash ye wi't," he deadpanned.

Luke gave a manly shriek and ran away to reclaim his corner.

"I am the Doctor," said the Doctor, interestingly enough. "And since there appears to be no way out of this room, I suggest we find some way of amusing ourselves."

"STRIP POKER!" yelled Wes.

"Oh, _hell_, no," Wedge protested, but everyone else actually thought it was a good idea.

Well, everyone except Chewie and Harry.

"Eh heh heh…an excellent suggestion…" cackled Palpatine, rubbing his hands together in glee.

"Not with you!" the group unanimously agreed and threw the Emperor out the window.

Once the rules of simple Texas Hold 'em had been explained and Doctor had cleared the pointless crap in his pockets off the table where he had dumped it while looking for cards, the game began. Since, contrary to the beliefs of people who put it on TV, poker is boring to watch, we'll fast forward a bit…

The Doctor beamed madly as he spread his cards out on the table. "Best hand, gentlemen," he proclaimed as Han groaned theatrically. "Pay up." With much grumbling, everyone else removed an article of clothing.

Chewie woofed a question from the other end of the room since he wasn't playing. "The kid, obviously!" Han told him. Luke glared, but it was pretty obvious that he was losing, though Marty wasn't doing much better. The Doctor and Han were pwning everyone out of the water. Had there been water, which there wasn't. We asked Harry and he checked.

Since Leia wasn't really interested in seeing her brother naked, she really thought the game could be going better.

And now for some highlights of the game:

"Jewelry do _not_ count as clothes—someone tell her jewelry don't count as clothes!"

"By that logic, neither do belts, Luke."

"How do you like them apples?!"

"Han…shut up."

/

"You had better not be using Jedi mind powers…"

/

"Ahm no' tekin' it off an' tha's final!"

"I wouldn't push the matter, Wes. I'm sure it's not much of a sight, anyway…"

"Och, Solo, Ahl have ye know…"

/

"I'll see your trousers and raise you my braces."

"I fold."

"I was bluffing."

/

"Do you think we should revive Lando so he can join?"

"Hobbie…I _like_ winning."

/

"See, those are trousers."

"No, they're pants!"

"No, _those_ are pants."

"Hey, do you mind?"

"Oh, sorry, old thing…"

And much of the same. In the end, the results were expected: the Doctor won, Han came in second, Wes showed off a lot, and everyone was vaguely scarred. Luke, Marty, Jamie, and Wes had come off worst.

It hadn't really been that fun, but everyone was devoutly glad that Vader had mysteriously disappeared before the game began.

However, as they got dressed again, and Wes and Hobbie were coming up with an ingenious plan to feed the Doctor's argyle socks (which, along with his Stetson, scarf, and shoes, had been all he's lost in the game) to Palpatine whenever he inevitably got back from his sojourn outside, Vader said, "Oh, you're done?" and crawled out from under the table.

And everyone was extremely disturbed.

In other news, Qui-Gon was getting very tired of being totally forgotten as a character, so he began to complain about it. Loudly.

"My dear fellow!" cried the Doctor. "Isn't it clear that now I've turned up, your usefulness has become obsolete? I mean, one can only have so many old, wise, terribly good looking mentor-types in one story, you know!"

Qui-Gon shot a death glare at Obi-Wan and Han who were snickering pointedly.

The Doctor beamed and, putting an arm around the dead Jedi's shoulders, lead him into the TARDIS. "Have you ever been to Bandragenous V? It's terribly boring—I say, it'll be nice to travel with an equal for once…" The police box disappeared. Luke boggled at it like he'd never seen such a phenomenon before.

At this point, Palpatine the prune of doom, crawled back in the window. Wes and Hobbie fed him the Doctor's socks, which apparently had a bad effect because the Emperor fell down again. Or that could be because Han pushed him.

Lando sat up, rubbing his jaw. "What about a game of cards?"

"No!!"

Harry glared at the air where the TARDIS had disappeared. "He can't just leave us here, Jamie. I mean, that's just not cricket!" Predictably, a wicket dropped from the ceiling on his head and he fell over.

"Play nice," Leia warned the ceiling, which groused. Chewie caught the grouse and sautéed them with mushrooms. They all partook of the feast, except Harry (who was unconscious), Vader (who was sulking), and Obi-Wan (who was dead).

For an after dinner show, the vortex deposited the Master and Peri Brown. "I am the Master," he informed them greasily.

"I don't care," Peri declared, "because I can scream louder than you!" She demonstrated, and the vortex sucked them back in, leaving the heinously loud sound ringing in everyone's ears.

Luke decided to join in, for some reason. "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" he cried as he ran in circles.

"Whist, man," Jamie groaned, covering his ears.

The TARDIS materialized again and Luke ran into it and was knocked out, which was starting to happen with alarming frequency.

The doors opened and out stepped the Doctor and Qui-Gon, followed by an irate blonde in a pink jacket. The Time Lord gave the group a wave and promptly passed out. Really, this is getting ridiculous.

Qui-Gon looked apologetic. "We went for Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters," he explained, "and he tried to drink me under the table. Of course, I'm dead, so…"

The blonde kicked the Doctor in the ribs and engendered no response. "Men," she grumbled. Leia nodded sympathetically and the two retreated to an empty corner to commiserate.

A/N: Okay, not sure where most of that came from…

**Review Replies:**

**Alien Roxi:** Yeah, good!

**lightsabers: **Well, he would… and I wouldn't say the funniest…but thanks!

**Jedi Master Evenstar**: Oh, well, I guess you're a Sith Master now, but I hope this update brings you back to the light.

**The Space Cadet:** Thank you!!

**Mutant Goldfish:** You can just _hear_ the capital letters. :D


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